How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
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me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?