How to make infinite energy.
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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
New mindset, who dis?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?