How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
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phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.