how to market bottled water to dads
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First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16