how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
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Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
We have a winner.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.