How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
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I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.