How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
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My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…