How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
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I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
“TGIM!” – My liver
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Yup.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I’d love this…lol
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I hate everything
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.