How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
You Might Also Like
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.