@XplodingUnicorn

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

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@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

@SoVeryBritish

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

@jwoodham

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

@retardedwriter

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

@DjKC_117

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

@PSimp114

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@DearAuntAbby

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

@thatdutchperson

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

@MoistPork

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.