How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
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*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.