How to properly lift a body
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Everything reminds me of my ex
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Guy who likes music
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.