How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
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I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you