HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
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Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
#parenting
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?