How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
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This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Alexa: *deep breath*
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one