How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
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Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament