How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
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most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
i love meeting boys on tinder
Swedish for common sense.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers