How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
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I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did