How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
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Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)