How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Your secret is safeish with me
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.