How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I’m listening
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”