How to wake up a Beagle
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Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN