How to walk around a museum
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If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.