How Vaccines Work 馃Й馃К馃馃拤 (everyone needs to watch this)
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OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Date: I鈥檓 looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
“you鈥檙e the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Haven鈥檛 you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It鈥檚 just… I鈥檝e never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…