How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
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i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I want what they have
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Am I having a stroke?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
When you’re here for the treats.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
At least try to make it slightly believable
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed