“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
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Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
What?!?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
#titanic
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
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