“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
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If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
plant them where lol
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
She was REALLY feeling it.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
that wasn’t the question
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.