how was your vacation
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There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.