How we blocked people in the 90s 馃槃
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When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn鈥檛 sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Oh, I shouldn鈥檛 worry? Why didn鈥檛 I think of that?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me: Be good and I鈥檒l give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I鈥檒l be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Look man, I don鈥檛 care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you鈥檙e doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
the clam before the storm
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
God: you鈥檙e a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I鈥檓 a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i鈥檓 the teensiest dragon!
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.