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professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I don’t get marriage
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store