“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Mummies are just super modest zombies
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!