How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
A game married people play.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.