“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
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Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.