“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
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a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
IT’S-A ME,
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.