“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
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My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840