@UncleDuke1969

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

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@Marlebean

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

@dril

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

@robwhisman

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

@stuckinaportal

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

@Bob_Janke

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

@Greg_1_Leg

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

@Alex_N_Chains

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

@jonnysun

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER