“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
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a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time