How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
You Might Also Like
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”