How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
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My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I don’t know what to do
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure