”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
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Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
peak technology
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
(Musicians.)
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.