However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
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I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue