Howl 😭
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My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
me
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
