@TheCareBare
@TheToddWilliams My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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@TheToddWilliams 
@KevinFarzad A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
@AndyAsAdjective “I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
@girlontapas I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
@TheCiscoKidder Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
@WilliamAder Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
@slimmy_shady For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
@ACuppaSte When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
@richbrian for all #parents out there
@awkwardphilippe 9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*