My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
for all #parents out there
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*