How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
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Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Chemical wingman
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane