How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
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if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.