How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
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No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”