How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
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I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Basically.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.