@TheForbesFam

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

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@Brentweets

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

@pro_worrier_

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

@xLoneManWalking

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

@MedusaOusa

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

@TheAlexP

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

@audipenny

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

@PaperWash

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

@Baileymoon15

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy