“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
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Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy