How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
You Might Also Like
The human personality is made of five key elements
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
You got this…
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse