HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
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One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I will never stop laughing at this
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.