HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
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People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?