HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
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Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Those are good neighbors.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.