HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
White parent Vs Arab parents
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.